My entire life I have been plagued by nightmares. One in particular has stuck with me since childhood. In the dream I’m in an elavator. It’s completely dark and I can’t see anything. Suddenly the doors open and I can see a man in the doorway, none of his features are discernible. Suddenly the elevator drops and as it falls I get a view of each floor. On every single floor the same man is standing there like a menacing shadow, watching the elevator fall with me in it. I fall and fall until I crash, at which point I always wake up.
When I “woke up” so to speak this past June, I thought maybe all of the work was done. But there’s so much to figure out, I’m rebuilding every part of me, mind, body, and spirit. So I’ve also had to clean house and that means shedding some light on the shadows that I’ve been hiding deep down. As I’ve been facing my shadows this summer, this nightmare keeps coming back to me. And although medical science disagrees, these “shadows” or dark emotions seem to directly effect my physical health. As they’re often followed by periods of pain. Sometimes I put my hand on the painful area and just ask myself what I need. I have discovered that many times there is an emotion tied to the pain. And under that emotion is a need, that I need to address. For example; maybe I snap at my son, my stomach hurts, I realize I’m overwhelmed, but in a few deep breaths I can pull myself back to center and communicate my needs clearer and without frustration. And voila stomach ache everted.
There are deeper pains in me however. Some I’m not even sure are mine to carry. Medical science does agree with the fact that trauma in your lifetime, or the lives before you, can effect your DNA. Some studies also agree that things like meditation, exercise, diet and most importantly managing your stress can improve your DNA, so we aren’t without hope. We don’t need a miracle, we are the miracle. We just need to realize our own power. And on three separate occasions this week someone has told me that by healing myself I will heal generations. And I don’t believe in coincidences so I’m excited! I can handle pain, I’ve done it before and I’ve made it through every single time.
The other day after a particularly tough night though, I felt compelled to draw it out. The shadow man of my nightmares needs to be brought up to the light. And already I feel like it has helped “draw” something out, like poison from a wound it has less power in my veins.
And although this image has scared me in the past I feel like I’m looking at things with new eyes these days. It has been my experience that the forces that finally drag you to the bottom are actually of your own creation. These are our shadows. The very barriers we erect to protect ourselves or numb ourselves just become to costly to maintain. Until finally your life lacks meaning. So you fill it with activities or things to hide the disappointment in yourself. And these things become your undoing.
And as you can no longer escape these shadows you have to choose to wake up and face yourself, or die. If you choose to face yourself this epiphany illuminates all that you’ve previously kept hidden. And I’m discovering there is a real beauty in this pain. My body is SCREAMING to let go of it and as I surrender I can better understand the truth of who I really am. I know that I can stand in front of the shadows and hold myself there. They have no power over me and I know this time I will not crash. I will not push my emotions down because they make others uncomfortable. Yes they stink, but I have the courage to show others it’s ok to let go however it comes out. I have the courage to ask for help, to embarrass myself. I have the courage to ask for what I need and face what no longer works. I do so knowing that although I’m flawed I’m worth believing in. This is my truth, and it gives me strength.
Turning to my shadow self helps me to unlock the trapped emotions that plague me. I learned today that if you tell a shadow to go away it comes back but if you bring it to the light it dissolves into nothingness. These shadows aren’t bad. We are meant to feel! And as I feel, I get a better understanding of my purpose on this earth. As I face the darkness I simply ask myself all the things that had been hiding out to come into the light. Basically it means that I ask myself questions inwardly;
Why am I so irritated by this person?Why do avoid this person? Who do they remind me of? Why do I feel fear near this person? Why did I make this choice? Is this choice from fear or love? Why do I react this way?
What can I do to feel better right now?
The answers help me to accept myself and this acceptance helps me to release the past. And the point of power is in the present moment right? I choose my reality. And it is amazing!!