Gallery-Paint · Gallery-Written · Life · Mind & Spirit~Reflection, Habits & Self Care · Uncategorized

Spirit Speaks.

Sometimes I feel like I’m swinging on a pendulum. Feeling very clear, strong and present, and then swinging into rank lows where I dip right back into painful bits of the past, overthinking all the complicated relationships in my friend and family groups. Then to top it off I hit up my old storylines and generally say mean shit to myself. I scratch my way out of the pit, and fall back in. Up, down, up, down. I’m trying to be gentle with myself, and practice all that I’ve learned the last while but it’s hard to see through the fog sometimes, so I keep asking the universe to guide me. And this morning I had a visitor so I thought I’d share the story with you guys.

My boys had fallen asleep in the basement and I ended up heading upstairs alone, well not alone. Our German Shepard came up with me. We both snuggled into our beds but we were restless. I turned on some guided meditation and at some point, I’m not sure when, I fell asleep. It seemed like only a second had passed when I was awakened the dog, now on the main floor, barking and growling. She was really going nuts. So I grabbed my phone and looked out the windows. By the way our home is situated and nestled into the hill you can see for miles, in fact you can see two nearby towns and the city from my bedroom window. From this vantage point I could see there wasn’t anyone out front. So I walked to the other bedrooms one by one, ending at the back bedroom. At first glance I thought the fields and bushes behind the house were still as well. And then suddenly as if out of nowhere I realized there was a massive bull moose standing in the tree line not twenty feet from me. He looked up at me and we stared at on another for a couple minutes before he turned and ran. I watched him disappear into the night and I looked at my phone, 1:11 am on the 11th day of the 11th month. Now some people might say that is a coincidence, but if this year has taught me anything it’s that there are no coincidences. Only a few months ago I was directed to nearby energy healers following a dream where I was guided by a wolf. Sooo whatever, I’m learning to roll with it haha. So thank you universe. I got the message, loud and clear.

Gallery-Written · Life · Mind & Spirit~Reflection, Habits & Self Care · Uncategorized

Just Visiting.

Sometimes when I’m just hanging out, minding my own business I get these visitors.

Ding dong.

I open the door and surprise! Sometimes it’s Happiness coming to say hello. Sometimes it’s Elation. Sometimes it’s Sadness. Sometimes it’s Anger. Do you know them?

They probably visit you too.

I also get the odd visit from Anxiety and Depression. Maybe you do too?

I like when Happiness, Joy and Wellness come to visit. In fact I usually ask if they can stay longer. Except when Grief shows up at the same time. Cause then Confusion shows up too, usually that’s when I think about asking Happiness to leave. But you’d be surprised how much room you can make for everyone!

Oh ya and some guests are easier than others. Joy loves laughing with me. But anger always makes a mess when he comes around. Brave always convinces me to try new things, but Scared often shows up at that exact same time and he’s not really into new activities.

And oh my when Anxiety and Depression show up-yikes. I used to put up caution tape. I wanted to keep others out while they were visiting. I was so embarrassed by them. They’re always lying, they yammer on and on, and they never have anything nice to say. They always drag out the old photo albums, even the ones I thought I’d gotten rid of. They bully me. And even when I tell them I have other things to do, they disrespect me, follow me on errands. Interrupt activities with my family. And I don’t want to be rude but they kinda stink. Usually at some point Angry and Sad make and appearance too and if I ask them to leave, they all trash the place. Ugh, and now Exhaustion has decided to drop by.

And believe me, I get pretty sick of some of them. I tried hiding inside and not answering the door, but Numb sneaks in the window or something, cause he’s always there when I’ve tried it. And anyway I realized if I don’t answer I’ll never know when Happiness comes around. And I’d hate to miss a visit from her.

So what to do? What to do? I’m kinda realizing it doesn’t matter which one comes to visit they are total attention hogs. And I noticed they all try to say they’re me. It’s kinda weird. I mean I’m cool, but fuck, it’s creepy guys. You’re not me! You’re just visiting!

And then it hit me. They’re just visiting! It’s kinda rude of me to invite Happy in with open arms and then tell Depression to fuck off. I wonder if that’s why he misbehaves? They all have some valuable qualities. So I decided it doesn’t matter who comes to visit, I’d break bread with them. I’d face them head on, visit, and hear them out. It’s a bit uncomfortable, especially when Depression invites his whole gang in. They’re still not my favourite guest, but I started to notice that when I make room at the table for them and give them space to speak they don’t stay nearly as long. Turns out they are usually just looking for someone to fight with. So I’ve started embracing them too. And I can tell it really throws them off their game, they aren’t nearly as noisy. And if I can I make it a point to invite Love in while they’re there, well that makes things a lot easier! In fact the more I invite Love in, the more likely it is the rowdy boys just smile or nod as they pass by.

And now when they go, I can honestly say thanks for the visit. Because although I hope some of them don’t come back right away I am thankful for all of them.

Because regardless who’s visiting I know now that I’m going to learn something new and gain new experiences from each one. But on those days that they are noisy and getting under your skin, take a page from my book. Invite Love in, and if it seems you’re own Love is nowhere to be found, reach out. You are not alone!! Just keep reminding yourself over and over that you are not your emotions. They’re just visiting!

Gallery-Paint · Gallery-Written · Mind & Spirit~Reflection, Habits & Self Care · Uncategorized

Think Grey in May.

In late 2010 I was diagnosed with a brain tumor. A benign (non-cancerous) but hormone secreting tumor, on the pituitary gland. Since then I have painted and drawn brains many times, as my brain is often on my mind. Since then I have had to adjust and even give up what I think my life and dreams should look like. I have grieved many times because of it.

I have had struggles to say the least. But as the great Frida Kaloh once said “at the end of the day we can endure much more than we think we can.” And as I was creating this piece for brain tumour awareness month I was struck by this truth. In my lived experience I have discovered that life will always find ways to bring us to our knees. But this is the amazing thing. We all have these choices. In every moment. I have the control to change how I am reacting to any given situation. I don’t fake positivity. But I now try to bring love to the situation. I legit say I’m sorry this is happening, I say this to myself, then I ask myself what I need. How I can love myself through this. When life gets me down, love brings me back up.

So here’s to those of you that are struggling with the chronic condition we call life today. I hope you can find enough self compassion to love yourself today in whatever way you see fit.

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Hey all thanks for being here. If you enjoyed this story I hope you’ll also check out https://smartandsmitten.com/2019/07/21/to-all-of-the-people-i-knew-before/